Summer Len Davis

Essays from the Dirty Floor

I Don’t Know Where I’m Going, Only God Knows Where I’ve Been

I still love you ALL.  I really do.  I miss my little bundle of faithful readers and I hope that I haven’t completely lost you all in the course of the last month.  Following my post about my grandmother’s bout with Alzheimer’s Disease, I got news that my dad’s dad was not doing so well.  I loaded my kids back up in our mini van (God, help me), and we drove the 5 hours to Tallahassee, FL to visit him.  I am so thankful that I did because as I type this, he is on his way “home”.  We don’t know when he’s going to take his last breath but he has been talking to Mamom with more frequency, whom many of you may remember died suddenly last year only 3 days before Grady was born.  He told my dad that she was coming back tonight.  Maybe to bring him home?  We don’t know.

So just to recap:  In the last month, Kyle’s grandmother passed away suddenly, my maternal grandfather had gangrene in his gall bladder and had to have it removed, my maternal grandmother moved into an assisted living facility for Alzheimer’s patients, and my paternal grandfather was pronounced…dying.  To top it all off, I got my period for the first time in THREE YEARS, TWO MONTHS.  Needless to say, I’m in a bit of a funk.

I don’t know if I’m dealing with some depression again?  Or if I’m just overwhelmed by death and circumstances?  I really don’t know.  I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness and I have been paralyzed when it comes to motivation.  Even taking my kids outside seems like an enormous chore.  What HAVE I been doing?  I couldn’t even tell you because my social life has tanked too.  I just can’t move myself out of my living room.  I am so very thankful to friends like Madame Curve at I Geek Out Over Clouds for pulling me out of a funk and providing me dinner yesterday.

For those of you who visit me for Paleo information, I’m STILL PALEO!!!  I haven’t fallen off of the wagon.  Unfortunately, due to lots of travel, I have had to indulge a little more than I like to admit but ;all in all, I have been 80/20 as opposed to my general 99% Paleo.  Case in point:  Madame Curve invited me over for dinner last night.  After the day that I had, had; I was happy for the company and would have eaten 5 week old scrambled eggs with duck snot on them.  She instead served homemade pizza.  I ate it.  The rest of the day was Paleo.

Another case in point:  We went to the zoo to celebrate Grady’s birthday this past weekend.  I ate BBQ there, which was smothered in sweet, sticky BBQ sauce.  To be honest?  I didn’t love it but I was starving.  On a positive note, I lost ONE WHOLE POUND last month which is great considering the fact that I was traveling for about 50% of the month.  I wish the number had been higher but I’ll take whatever I can get.

My DSLR isn’t working so I feel like, “Who on EARTH would want to read my boring blog posts without photos to back them up?”

My hair hasn’t been dyed since October and while you can’t SEE me, it makes me antzy and uncomfortable.

Styles has a science fair project that he isn’t working on and it stresses me out.

I haven’t been able to volunteer in Styles’ classroom because of Kyle’s less than desirable schedule and our recent bout of death-related travel so I feel like a louse and the world’s WORST room mom.

I want to start working out again but I’m SO out of shape that I would have to really start slowly.  After being athletic my entire life (up until 3 years ago), it is a HUGE shot to my pride.

“The Occasional Parent” recently tried to rear his ugly, inconsistent, and selfish head which led to him offering for Kyle to adopt Styles.  While it is something that we have been gunning for, for a long time, it just came at a stressful and difficult time.  I wish he had taken us up on the offer 3 years ago.

I recently started a new business wherein I educate people how to remove toxins from their homes and begin building healthier lives.  I’m TOTALLY excited about it, but I started the business a few days before Kyle’s grandma passed away and it just kind of fell through the cracks right off the bat  which I hate because my heart really lies there.

So I’m still here, I just seem to have lost my mojo.  I am literally just waiting for Papa to take his last breath and then I will begin preparations for another, final and sad trip to Tallahassee.  I’m sure I’ll be blogging about that more soon after Papa goes home.

Thank you for sticking with me, those of you who are still here.  I SO very much appreciate your loyalty to me even through the hard times.  I’ll get back on a roll here soon, I promise.

In the meantime, if you can offer any encouragement, I’d really appreciate it.

Your downtrodden friend,

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  3. I’ve been thinking of you often. I’m so sorry that things have taken the turn they have, but I’m glad for all the positives as well. You’re a true inspiration to us all! I just wish I was closer to come hang out. I’ll be continuing to think of you and your family!

  4. You can get through this. You have to remember to take care of yourself and your family first. We’ll still be here.

  5. Prayers and hugs to you, Summer. I will tell you again, cause I don’t get tired of saying it. You are a bubbly, beautiful source of light in my life~ you have EVERY reason to be full of joy! I’m praying for you in all of your struggles, you have a lot on your plate right now, and if you are wondering if you are strong enough to handle it- YOU ARE. I know it<3 hugs and kisses!

  6. I’l be here when you get back. You have my prayers. It certainly sounds like you’ve had a very very rough last few weeks. Take the time you need for yourself.

  8. Hang in there babe!

    I know what you mean about “borderline” depression – I think I’m going to head to the doctor next week to see if I can get myself an anti-depressant Rx. We can be pill-poppin’ Paleo buddies 🙂

  9. SUMMER!
    I am so sorry girl, and I am there in spirit.
    Unfortunately sometimes life hands us a really bad bunch of cards, but after every storm comes a rainbow.
    Hang in there. The best thing you are doing right now is looking after your health because it’ll help assist mental clarity and we all know on the emotional rollercoaster you are currently riding, the last thing you need is insulin spikes and dumps.
    This too shall pass, and in the end, it will all be ok. I promise!

  11. I feel for you. I know it’s hard, especially when a lot of things are happening at once. I think it helps to share, as you do on your blog, and not try to keep it bottled up inside. You are not alone.

  12. I just found your blog, but I hope you are feeling better. We’ve been Paleo for a whopping one week now, but I’m loving it.

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