Summer Len Davis

Essays from the Dirty Floor

Shards of Heart – A Saturday Stream of Consciousness

I have a past. We all have come from somewhere, experienced things. These experiences have shaped who we are and the way that we trudge forward in our lives. There have been many instances in my life where I have dealt with the situation at hand and come out the other side stronger.

Then there are other experiences I’ve had that have killed a little part of me and I’m still searching for ways to mend my heart, mend the damage that has been done to my soul, stitch back together the remnants of my beliefs that have been shattered and left lying under the feet of 11 other women.

Completely by random, the past week I have heard several songs that have opened my heart wide and just left it bleeding, salty tracks running down my face. I am so deeply connected to music that when I hear a song from my past, I feel physically connected to that song. And when they are songs from those difficult times in my life, I am taken right back to those feelings of deep rejection, judgment, and solitude.

I am not a solitary creature. Being called possessed by demons, being left to fend for myself by the very people I had placed my trust and friendship in, and being dehumanized for making decisions on my own by the first church I had fallen in love with as an adult has wounded me deeply.

I don’t cry often. I became a weepy mess after our exit from our church – holy crap – six years ago. The tears eventually slowed but my soul has never mended.

Making friends isn’t the same. I have no relationship with God anymore. I have lost my faith in the church and feel judged for every move I make.

Being removed from my circle of accountability because my “leader” didn’t agree with my decisions was soul crushing. Being threatened with being moved to a lesser “cell group” because I wasn’t “obedient enough” to be in the top tier of church leadership crushed my spirit and immediately put up a clouded partition between myself and my beliefs. Having my friends turn their backs on me because they were told I was possessed by demons and they could be possessed too made me feel like I had been drowned in a mud pit and was watching my own life from my dirty grave.

These wounds, they haven’t healed. And when I hear certain songs, like the one above, I become aware of the acid rising up in my stomach. I become aware of my heart trying to beat right out of my chest. I find it difficult to breathe because these soul wounds have wrapped themselves around my chest and they squeeze as tightly as they can every time my heart tries to bleed just a little more.

These songs taunt me, they take ice picks to my fragile heart, and break these wounds open time and time again. I mourn my friends. I mourn my relationships. I miss the space in my heart that these people used to fill.

I’ve talked this issue to death and I know the only way to heal is to turn my face back to the light, but I can’t. I couldn’t handle another dose of rejection by every important person in my life again. I can’t chance being told that I’m not good enough to hang with people because I’m a sinner. And their sin  isn’t as bad as mine.

So instead, I tread forward and live in fear of the next song that threatens to smother me in a river of salty tears and broken hearts.

I let (wo)man destroy me and I can’t let that happen again.

So I trudge forward, hoping that one day I can turn from this pain and just run straight into the light.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  2. Girl, I am hugging you from afar! How dare anyone judge you against another as we are all the same moving forward in this life here on a Earth. I am not a “religious” person but do have a strong faith if that makes sense- my only advice is to perhaps embrace the solitude and turn inward. Release the sadness and disappointment. Find peace within. Cry. Write. Sing! It may make all the difference in the world when you do turn outward again and prepare to forge new relationships or even a new faith home in a different church. A clear and calm perspective can only come from much reflection! But PLEASE- no more trudging! Hold your head up, be proud, continue expressing yourself and seeking the community you deserve. Huggggs!!! <3

  3. I have often said, I know I can trust God but I can’t trust people who call themselves Christians. The actions of that group of women do not represent Gods amazing love for you. I’m so sorry they have hurt you. You are not alone, many others have experienced this kind of rejection from well-meaning but horribly wrong people. Thank you for being so open and honest, I hope this is part of healing for you.

  4. I had to think long and hard before I posted this. It pisses me off that these so called women of God did this to you. It pisses me off that it has hurt you this deeply, to the very core it seems. This is why I have such a hard time with organized religion. Similar experiences (though not nearly as dramatic) have left a foul taste in my mouth towards churches. I have seen the same things one too many times. Don’t let it come between your relationship with God. You can be spiritual and connected to your God without having to abide by some other humans interpretation of how you should practice your faith. They obviously do not practice what they preach. I hope one day they can see their errors. They were not your real friends. I feel so bad that these “christians” hurt you so bad, and I hope you can heal and move on.

  5. Oh Summer, I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. I have a very fickle relationship with religion myself, and I have been looked down on countless times for my lack of faith. It is so wrong to place judgement on someone because they don’t choose what you choose, and I get that some people are at a point where their relationship with a higher power is all encompassing, but that is no excuse for making someone else feel like less of a person. At all. I hope you can continue to heal, you’re just too awesome to be sad 🙂

  7. I’m sorry this feeling is rushing into your heart with music from your past. I remember you sharing this with some of us when we met. My heart broke for you then & it breaks for you still. No one deserves to be dehumanized like this. Hugs!

  8. Hugs my friend!! I’m so sorry the pain is still there. Don’t let someone else who is unhappy with life let you revisit that painful past. Turn that song off and listen to something that makes you Happy! You deserve that!

  9. Summer.. I am so sorry that other “women” feel the need to make you or anyone else feel like less of a person. You are an amazing person, regardless of you past or your present, or what may or may not happen in your future. Things that happen, things we endure and things we live thru don’t make you bad they make you who you are.. strong, beautiful and full of life. Nobody can take away that.. so don’t let anyone bring you down.

  10. Summer, I can relate to this. For a long time, “church” disappointed me. The people in the church, the women who I thought would be able to support and guide me (and me to them as well) completely turned away from me. Just know that those are PEOPLE. God is not like man. He doesn’t judge, He already loves and forgives us. All of us.It will take time, and you may have to start slow, but please do try to turn your face back to the light. We need Him. This life is just too difficult out here alone. <3

  11. There are so many things I could say, but you have to figure out what’s in your heart. Anything I say won’t alter that. People can often make us feel that we’re nothing, but it’s such a lie, that we all need to stop believing. Sending big hugs to you today from across the miles.

  12. It’s so sad when we feel left behind in what should be the safest environment we know – our place of worship. You’re a wonderful person and don’t let anyone let you think or feel otherwise.

  13. It’s an unfortunate truth that getting a group of women in any place, church included, can turn into a big mess where someone gets hurt. I wish it hadn’t been you. You’re an awesome woman and a good mother, so let those parts of your life be the foundation for your relationship with the almighty, not what the church has to say about it. We’re all sinners and we’re still loved.

  14. Trying to catch up on my Feedly so just now seeing this. Summer, I’m so sorry. This may be hard to hear but you were a victim of spiritual abuse it sounds like. This is an unfortunate and horrible phenomenon in churches and it drives people away from the God that created them.

    I was raised in a Christian home but ran from the faith in my 20s. I think I still believed God existed but I never truly had a relationship with him. When I decided to “give the God thing a try” again, I told God I was only going to do this thing if it was only about him. It was not going to be about rules (although I do believe we are called to live lives in a certain manner), nor was it going to be about manipulative people. You know what? Every time I tell that story I imagine God up in Heaven smirking and “agreeing to my terms.” That’s what a relationship with God is all about. It’s just about him and his grace.

    Is it still hard to deal with Christians? You betcha. We’re a messed up bunch of sinners saved by grace. Right now I struggle with a balance of knowing we are to be accountable to each other to live Godly lives and knowing when someone is just being manipulative and judgey. A big area for me is church attendance but that’s a whole other story!

    If there’s any way I can encourage your, please let me know. Thanks for sharing your heart with this.

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