Summer Len Davis

Essays from the Dirty Floor

Fit Friday Confession: I’m Still Fat

So since I posted my fat confession, I have lost 10 lbs.  And then gained them back.  Plus one.

I’m terribly unhappy with my body and yesterday, I was thisclose to switching Grady to formula so that I could start on a strict anti-carb diet and work out regimen.

Where Grady hung out while I worked out.

Kyle was soooooooooo pissed when I told him my plans.  He knows how much I love breastfeeding.  He knows that it is best for Grady.  And he knows that if I just put my mind to it, I could lose a few pounds while I’m still nursing.  Why’s he gotta be right all the time?

The problem is that I want instant gratification.  I’m not used to having to count calories in order to make enough milk, being weak from bedrest and then subsequent depression and laziness, and having to lose weight slowly.  I’m used to being able to lose 20lbs in one month by eating my PCOS diet, taking Metformin, and working out.

The thought of having to lose 80lbs is daunting.  I don’t want to have to lose that much weight but even worse, I don’t know where or how to start because the thought that I’m not just going to fall asleep tonight and wake up my awesome, hard, curvy self makes me want to ball up in a corner and cry some big, fat hippopotamus tears.

This is the laundry that lay on the couch that sit in the room that holds the elliptical that made mommy sweat that helps her lose pounds so that she can be hot again.

But after my little mental “I’m not going to breastfeed anymore” breakdown yesterday, I woke up this morning with a new outlook.  I may not be the flat-bellied, curvy-reared, small-chested 20-something that I was 2 years ago but what I AM is:  a mommy who is doing the very best thing for her babies by making sacrifices to nurse them; a wife who tries to please her husband every day by keeping a nice house, ironing his laundry, and doing um…other things; a mommy who is oh so proud of her babies and their growth, a woman who is savvy enough to run this phenomenal blog among all of her other responsibilities, a woman whose husband is fabulous enough to work so that she can stay home and take care of her babies (and herself), a woman who is finally comfortable and in love with her big booty, and beautiful.  I am beautiful.  I am perfect.  I am supportive.  I am hard-working.  I am determined.  Determined to be the best person that I can be, even if that means losing only one pound a week for 80 weeks.  As quickly as the years fly by now, is that really all that much in the grande scheme of things?

So today, I woke up and had a cup of coffee, 2 eggs, and some fresh Alaskan Salmon.  Then I pulled the elliptical out of its room, set it up in front of the TV and looked it, hands on my hips.  Then Grady started to cry.  So instead of having the mindset that my workout was over before it had even begun, I scooped him up, took him to bed, nursed him to sleep and got up.  Then started a load of laundry.  And then Madilyn woke up so I fed her breakfast.  And then Grady started to cry.  So I put him in the swing and turned around to face the sweat machine.  And then I did it.

I mounted that machine like I was conquering Everest.

And 5 minutes into my workout, I wanted to stop.  Then 10 minutes into my workout, I wanted to stop.  Then 12 minutes into my workout I was just going to get to 20 minutes and then stop.  But then this weird thing happened.  I got to 20 minutes and thought, “Self, you have come 66.66666% of the way.  Let’s DO THIS THING!”  Then at 4 minutes left I wanted to stop because my toes were all numb.  And then at 2 minutes I wanted to stop.  And then with 1 minute left, I pumped up my RPMs and ran all the way home.  Well…I mean…I was already home.  On my elliptical in my living room.  But you know what I mean.

I was fluorescent pink and sweatier than a hooker in church in the middle of July.

Did I want to stop?  YES.  Did I?  NO!

I worked that sucker out, dismounted, ate some raw broccoli, and stretched for a good 5 minutes.  And oddly, my ever-aching knees don’t hurt right now.  Grady survived 30 minutes in the swing.  Madilyn entertained herself with my bouncing bottom for 30 minutes.  I occupied my mind with Lady Gaga songs.  And we all lived to tell about it.

We’re not done, people!  OH no.  We’re SO not done.  When I ate lunch, I had a standard portion of whole wheat pasta with homemade tomato sauce, crushed red pepper, and fresh Florida shrimp.  I haven’t had sugar today and I don’t want any.

I’m ready to look hot again and KNOW that I look hot, because when I was in my teens and twenties, I had no idea how good I looked.  Now as I am staring 30 in the face, I’m thinking, “Come & get me”.  Because not only am I mentally ready, I am going to be physically ready.

Calories Burned

I’m ready to start enjoying my life and myself.  I wish it hadn’t taken me 30 years to get here.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. HELL YEAH MAMA! go you! Am right there with you, have managed to slowly lose 18lbs since C was born but still have 85 to go. And it’s especially hard for people like you and I who can be a wee bit crazy in the head when it comes to weight and body image. Doing it healthfully is hard but it’s the best way! I’m cheering for you! X

    • Dude, I’d be stoked to lose 18lbs 🙂 Hope it happens soon. 80 sounds like SO MUCH but doing the whole “small goals” thing just frustrates me because I know I need to lose more than 20 lbs, you know what I MEEEAAAAAAN? I’m cheering you right back on, sista! xoxo

  2. you’re super hot all sweaty like a hooker!
    You can do it!!!! I know it!
    BTW Austin kept pointing at Grady “ni night!”

  3. came here from Katie’s tweets and just had to tell you to keep going strong! I also don’t feel like I can really lose weight til after I stop nursing…or maybe that’s just what I keep telling myself! I recently started Jillian’s 30 day shred and that’s been great because it’s only 20minutes and it’s kind of fun.

    • Thank you SO SO much for stopping buy and encouraging me! Please stop back buy and let me know how much you like the 30 day shred. I might check that out too!

  4. Ahh, I understand! I’m breastfeeding so I can’t “diet” but I feel huge…this is the largest I’ve ever been un-pregnant. I wasn’t skinny before I got pregnant but I miss the size I was in. Good for you for sticking to your workout! I don’t have that much discipline!

    • This is the biggest I’ve ever been unpregnant too. I was never skinny per se, but I was very athletic, solid muscle, flat belly, muscular legs, and a big ole’ booty. But now? I’m just LUMPY! I feel awful and can’t wait to feel good again.

  5. Like a hooker in church. Love it.

    Let me tell you i’m right there with you, I’ve been totally slacking and I gained more weight than I want to even mention. I’m doing 20 Second Fitness and I freaking LOVE IT!

    • I’d LOVE to try 20 second fitness. Like serious, yo. I have a few DVDs I need to bust out and I REALLY want to do Zumba again but can’t go to the gym to do it because of my crazy children and their severe separation anxiety :/

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  8. You rock it, girl! You already look fabulous, but I know you’re going to look even better when you get that extra spark of confidence and bounce in your step. You can totally do this!!

    If you need BFing support, stop by the Breastfeeding Blog Hop sometime. Lots of supportive women will help cheer you on with your BFing and your weight loss.

    • Thanks, Jen!!! I’ll definitely check that blog hop out. I’ll need all the motivation I can get. Fear has been a huge driving force in not getting back into shape. I’ve breastfed 3 kids and have TONS of milk. I don’t know why I’m so afraid!

    • Thank you, CBM! Let me know if you want to jump on the bandwagon. I’d be happy to be your accountability partner!

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  10. Summer, I’m SO proud of you. Thank you for being honest and inspiring. I’m in the same place in my head but haven’t had the motivation. I keep saying tomorrow and I know I need to quit that. Keep up the great work and keep us posted. xo

    • Thanks, Tamara! Let me know if you want to jump on the bandwagon. There’s no day better than today! I’d love to help cheer you on since you’re doing the same for me. xo

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  11. Great job! Remember to eat protein after exercising…. it builds muscle and helps metabolism. Eat carbs before your workout to give you the energy to get through it:) Try to eat the majority of carbs during the day before 4pm so your body has time to burn them all off before you go to bed…. which means no ice cream at night:) Love you and can’t wait to see you this weekend!

  12. For criminity sake keep going! You are on the edge of getting the endorphin addiction, that need to exercise that will mentally drive you to get on a machine, treadmill or get and and jog with your kids. That’s what it is for me. Hubby went out and found the best double jogging stroller he could and, as it turns out we both use it! Keep it up, don’t *ever* stop. By the way, this is from a girl staring 50 in the face…come and get me!

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