Summer Len Davis

Essays from the Dirty Floor

She’s Beautiful, So Why Aren’t I?

Having a daughter scares me.

I grew up with a mother who struggled with body image. She was anorexic/bulimic and I had to call 911 multiple times for her passing out after not eating for weeks. I’ll never forget when she weighed 88 lbs at 5’7″ and would suck her stomach in until you could see her rib cage. It always terrified me. I was 7 and I probably weighed not much less than her. She would look in the mirror and call herself “fat” and “hideous” and “ugly”. She started complaining about wrinkles before one ever resided on her face. She still does it and I don’t know that she’ll ever know how beautiful she really is.

My father was chubby as a child but had a family who was very conscious of their health. They ate healthy, they exercised, and they urged their family to be thin. As long as I’ve known him he’s been thin. Chicken legs, flat butt, healthy physique. When my sister and I visited him for the summer, we were fed healthy food, made to exercise, and our weight was always an issue. My pants were always “too tight”. When I developed breasts and was unaware of them, I was made to feel disgusting when I accidentally brushed up against my dad with them. I’ll never forget being told that I “looked good now that I had lost weight” and that “135 had been too much weight for me”. The thing is that I weighed 135 when I was told that and had been taking laxatives to lose weight. I was a size 5, the smallest I’ve ever been, I looked sick and I felt sick.

I’m not knocking being healthy, eating right, or exercising.

I’m saying that having a daughter terrifies me.

I’m not tall and thin like either of my parents, I never have been. I’m 5’6″ and I look GOOD when I’m a size 10 or 12.

With some friends in Alaska, Size 12. 158lbs.

150 – 160 is a great weight for me. I’m athletically built and curvy no matter how I eat or exercise. I have a big, bubbly butt and a teenie, tiny waist. I have small boobs and chiseled arms. My thighs and calves are muscular and large and they rub together when I walk, even at my most “healthy”. I despise my knees; they look like elephant seals.

Yep, that's what my knees look like. Image Courtesy perlgurl.org

I’ve always said that if I could have ANY plastic surgery, that it wouldn’t be a nose job to correct my long, straight nose. It wouldn’t be a boob job because I LOVE my “B’s”. It wouldn’t be liposuction to correct my butt, hips, or thighs. It would be liposuction in my KNEES.

My curves have never been appreciated by my parents or by me. I’ve spent countless hours crying in front of mirrors, oogling myself in every window I pass, but never because I thought I looked good. Always to size myself up and complain about each curve, the bounciness of my bottom, the forward “bump” on my thigh. I never noticed the flat stomach, graceful curve of my waist, or strength of my athletic body.

I started dancing when I was 7 after years of gymnastics, but I’m not built like a dancer. I’m built like a softball player.

I always compared myself to the lithe dancers around me. I was always the most muscular and most developed, even from that young age. I grew up comparing myself to girls who had bodies that are completely different than mine, and instead of telling me that I was beautiful as I was, my family encouraged me to look like them. I was never good enough.

When I found out I was having a daughter, I freaked out internally. I didn’t share my anxiety with anyone because I didn’t want people to know how I felt about ME. But the truth is that I prayed daily for her to be tall and thin like her dad’s side of the family. I wanted her to never have to compare her body to a spoon. A pencil-thin body is what I wanted for her. I didn’t want her to ever stand in front of a mirror and size herself up, crying inside about her 24.5″ waist and 41″ hips. I didn’t want her to ever walk into the GAP to try on jeans and have an impossible time finding something that fit not only her waist, but her ample bottom and “thunder thighs”. I didn’t want her to compare herself to the thin girl next to her on the barre with thighs that don’t touch when she stands in 1st position. I never wanted her to hear me say to myself, “God I’m fat” when the truth is “God, I’m curvy”…and she shares my body.

But it didn’t happen that way. She has my figure. She is 18 months old and she has my figure. Short, muscular legs, a bubble butt that wraps around to cute little hips. Elephant seal knees. It’s undeniable and I’m not the only one who notices it. I just hope that everyone else who notices it doesn’t say “Summer, she has your figure” with pity in their voices, but with envy. Envy because she will grow up with natural curves and super athletic abilities. Her bottom and thighs will be round, not straight; she will love them. And she is beautiful. I need to stop talking badly about her figure too. When people say something about it, I’ve said, “I know, poor girl.” NO, not “poor girl”. “Beautiful girl”. She doesn’t have to be thin and curveless to be beautiful or to love her body.

She Got it From Her Mama Courtesy: Thirteenth Moon Photography

I just have to learn that it starts with me. It starts at home with us telling her that she’s beautiful and teaching her to love her butt and muscular physique. And if you don’t like it, keep your mouth closed. The last thing she needs is someone telling her that she could lose a little here or there, or that her butt is “too big”. Because we’re doing what we can to feed her a well-balanced diet and teach her the importance of exercise and a healthy lifestyle. If she’s never long and lean despite her best efforts, I want her to rejoice in her hard-worked curves because they’re beautiful. She’s beautiful. And so am I.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  2. Wow that sounds so so so hard (your childhood). My mother became overweight when I was young. The she would always tell me “don’t eat that or you’ll get fat like me”, “the more fries you eat the more fat cells you’re storing and won’t come out until you’re my age!” etc. I fought with borderline bulimia and anorexia all through high school.

    I am so thankful not to have a daughter for the same reasons you said. Little girls (and older girls!) are so impressionable. I think it’s AWESOME that you are going to start NOW, shaping her body image. That’s so great! A friend of mine has a little girl the same age as my baby and she has the best baby rolls and the inlaw family call her fat and all kinds of NOT cute words (like chuck monk is kinda cute up to a certain point, but not FAT). I think it’s absolutely ridiculous to call anyone that, much less a baby, a little girl, learning how to like herself.

    I’m sorry you had to go through that and I think it is so amazing that you can overcome it and try to do right by your daughter. I’m sure it is hard. she is perfect though! What a cutie!!!

    (& thanks so much for your comment on my blog!!!!)

    • Being a girl is so hard with media telling us what’s beautiful and what’s not. The last thing we need are the people we love and trust telling us that we are unattractive or anything less than perfect. I get teased often about my figure, namely my butt. I don’t think people know how badly it hurts. Emotional scars are harder to heal than physical ones and I hope I remember that as Madilyn gets older. I honestly will try my hardest to never, ever tease her, even in good fun, about her booty.

      Thanks for stopping by and for the really sweet comment. And you’re welcome for the comment too. You’ll do the right thing 🙂

  3. Wow Summer. Hearing other peoples stories is sad, but helpful at the sametime. I remember one of your blogs you talked about the “fake” smile. That touched home with me, because I have worn that smile for years, and I still do when it’s needed. I never remember my parents saying anything to me like yours did, but I was still a girl that struggled with self image. I still do, but I think most girls do. Even now, before I read your post, I was looking at someones pictures on FB and thought…Wow, she gained a lot of weight since high school. And thinking that made me feel good. Thats not a good way to feel or think, but I was so jealous of those natural skinny girls who had no idea what it was like for others who struggled.

    You’re beautiful, and so is your daughter. And, with a great mom like you she will grown up loving her looks and figure, no matter what shape she is.

    • Thank you, Amy. I hope I help to teach her that she is amazing, no matter what. Both of my kids for that matter. It’s not easy but I’m doing the best I can and I guess I can be thankful for not having the greatest role models as far as that is concerned. I can learn from their mistakes.

  4. Your daughter is so cute….omg that shirt is too cute too!
    Good job on being all sorts of normal though with all those messages in your childhood!

  5. So I received some pretty special gifts from my husband and SIL for Valentine’s Day. I was blown away by their generosity and sentimentalism. But, my very first thought as tears sprang into my eyes: I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve such nice things from these people. I am not worthy of their esteem or their love, and especially not their kindness.

    I contemplated my gut reaction afterwards. I immediately wanted to post something in my FB status imploring parents to acknowledge that they are responsible, liable, accountable to their children’s sense of worth.

    It is up to us, as parents, to ensure our children grow up knowing that we respect them and they should respect themselves, that we love them and they should love themselves, that, regardless of the way they look or talk or their grades or their skills or their talents, they are worthy of kindness and admiration. They are allowed to respect themselves and love themselves, just the way they are.

    I’ve struggled with anorexia almost my entire life. For me, in the beginning, it was a way to exert some control in a completely chaotic homelife. For most of my childhood I was scorned and abused by my parents. Later, to prohibit unwanted attention after puberty, I starved myself in hopes that my breasts would shrink. I cannot remember one kind word from either of my parents. I cannot remember a night that I did not go to sleep with a prayer that I would die before I woke.

    I was terrified to even think of getting married and having children. I was certain I would be exactly like my parents – harsh, cruel, and unloving.

    I finally resolved to help myself. I completed extensive and grueling PTSD therapy: EMDR. When I say it saved my life, I am not exaggerating; I am understating.

    I never thought I would be a mom, but now I have my son. Since his birth, I pray I get to wake up in the morning so I can have another day, at least one more opportunity, to show him and tell him how much he is loved. My job is to ensure he grows up knowing he is worthy of love and respect. My job is to teach him that anybody, anything, he comes into contact with in his life is worthy of love and respect. My job is to plant the seeds of worth. My job is not to perpetuate the faults of my parents.

    When he receives gifts of any and all kinds: friendship, love, admiration, tokens of affection, whatever, I want his gut reaction to be thankfulness towards the persons giving. If he never has an interior dialog like I had, I will have done my job well.

  6. 1st, I’m so sorry you were meant to feel that way growing up. So very sorry. 2nd, I’m so very glad that you know you can change that for your daughter. Shortly after my first daughter was born I saw a program that said the single best thing we could do for our daughters body image was to compliment ourselves. So now my daugthers routinely hear me say things like, “I have the most beautiful white skin” because I am so freaking pale and I’ve always hated it. So I try to combat that. But it’s SO hard. I also always say, “Mommy is rockin’ these jeans’ and now the girls say it, too! (which just cracks me up) I loved this, and am going to share it on my blog’s facebook page, if that is alright with you?

    • It is absolutely alright if you share! I am immensely flattered. Thank you for sharing your experience also. I don’t know how I’m going to grit my teeth in the up-and-coming years and shower love on my big booty but I’m certainly going to do my best! There are a few personal oddities of mine that I have embraced, such as my very-freckled skin but there are more negatives that I find on a daily basis. I even caught myself pulling on my forehead last week due to some wrinkles I am developing. They’re not BAD, I’m just getting older. When I realized what I was doing I immediately stopped and looked at my whole face and decided that I am pretty, ESPECIALLY with my wrinkles because they = age which =’s wisdom and knowledge. Growing older doesn’t scare me nearly as much as doing right by my children. Keep on rockin’ those jeans, mama! I’m going to be using that one! 😉

  7. I had a similar experience growing up but not to such an extreme. I made the same decision as you as soon as I found out I was having a daughter. I will not perpetuate the cycle. Ever. It is too painful to even consider the alternative. Youre gorgeous. Hope you know that.

  8. I was actually tweeting back and forth with someone about this article the other day, it didnt click that it was yours!

    I really can relate; having dealt with eating and body image issues for most of my life, i am no stranger to those feelings. I have two sons, and i know that if i have a daughter i will worry about the same things with her. And i will worry that my own issues with dysmorphia will somehow affect her. obviously i worry about it with my boys as well, but EDs/etc are seemingly more rampant among females.

    I did find your article hard to read, simply due to how brutally honest it is and how close to my heart it is. Very well worded, and very honest. I’m sorry you went through that when you were a child; it makes me even more determined to stick on the path of recovery.

    • Oh wow I’m so flattered that it was talked about! I have SO much honesty and crap to get out that my blog is taking a very different direction than it was intended, but I hope that I can help at least ONE woman through her journey with self image, PPD, and parenting “special” children easier. I am determined to stick to the path of recovery too and when I get comments like this one, it really does help.

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  178. Trader, die dort regelmäßig mitlesen und sich in Gespräche einklinken sorgen für eine wiederum breitere Grundlage
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  200. Pass away Möglichkeiten zur Info sind vielfältig und sollten im
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